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----- JOB DESCRIPTIONS IN HELP WANTED ADS -----
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YOUTHFUL WORK ENVIRONMENT: chewing gum is "on the house"
STABLE WORK ENVIRONMENT: Nobody's been promoted for years
FLEXIBLE HOURS: get here by eight and you can go home
anytime after six
EXEMPT POSITION: you don't get paid for overtime; no
bonus plan either
SALARY COMMENSURATE WITH EXPERIENCE: unless you have too much
experience
TOTAL RESPONSIBILITY: it's a one person department, and you're it
TAKE-CHARGE PERSON: if anything goes wrong, it's your fault
SUBURBAN, CAMPUSLIKE SETTING: seven miles to the nearest McDonald's
MIDTOWN LOCATION: hard to drive to, no place to park
DOWNTOWN LOCATION: wear your flak jacket to karate lessons at
lunch
IMMEDIATE OPENING: the deadbeat you'll replace has already been
fired
OPPORTUNITY TO ADVANCE: your new boss will be the next one to go
LINE POSITION: your butt is on it
REQUIRES GOOD WORK HABITS: have you ever had an original thought?
PART TIME: eight hours a day, no benefits
FULL TIME: 24 hours a day
SOME EVENING WORK REQUIRED: graveyard shift
FAST-PACED: temporarily understaffed
GROWTH COMPANY: perpetually understaffed
FAST-TRACK POSITION: watch your back
RAPIDLY EXPANDING: everyone is too new to know what they're doing
CREATIVE: make it up as you go along
AMBITIOUS: help push your new boss up the ladder
SOME TRAVEL REQUIRED: do you own stock in an airline ?
40% TRAVEL: "Mommy, who is that ?"
INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL: can you say "diarrhea" in nine languages ?
ENTRY LEVEL: it'll be good experience, kid
QUALIFIED CANDIDATES ONLY: if you understand the acronyms in the ad, call
EXPERIENCE REQUIRED: ever held a job ?
DEGREE REQUIRED: how long will you wait to be rewarded for your
efforts ?
SEND SALARY HISTORY: how cheap will you work ?
EXISTING OPPORTUNITY: how's your blood pressure ?
HIGH VISIBILITY POSITION: "S C A P E G O A T"
LEADERSHIP POSITION: drill sergeant
MUST BE GOOD WITH PEOPLE: you'll be making telephone solicitations
KEYBOARDING SKILLS A PLUS: you'll be a typist
EXECUTIVE: you'll be a salesperson
SALESMAN: you'll be a salesperson - no leads furnished
SALES MANAGER: you'll be a salesperson with a bad territory
ULTIMATE OPPORTUNITY: you'll be an all-commission salesperson with
a bad territory
NO COLD CALLS: you'll be making telephone solicitations
MUST BE WELL-ORGANIZED: you'll be working in a three-foot-square
cubicle
NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS: we're have a paper-recycling drive
MAIL APPLICATIONS ONLY, NO PHONE CALLS: are you desperate ?
MUST HAVE GOOD TELEPHONE PERSONALITY: star in your own 900 number!
RISK/RETURN CONSCIOUS: wimp
BOTTOM-LINE CONSCIOUS: cheapskate
HANDS-ON MANAGER: you'll be doing the work yourself
CLOSE-KNIT TEAM: 12 people, six desks
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